Sunday 18 May 2014

On turkey bottoms and nuts

I promised myself I'd write about those two blessed items. But firstly - if anyone is actually reading this - please know that the situation described no longer applies to me. Things are very different and truly wonderful right now. That's why I feel safe describing them - in the past.
So, in a nutshell - last summer. A time when nothing was certain, except for one thing - I was losing the court battle, and he was going to throw us out onto the street, and with whatever money I had, I hired a real lawyer. Not like the free one, who didn't wish to help me. After all, a  roof above one's head is more important than food, or is it not? What would you do?
My life consisted of sending out my CVs - a dozen times a day, extended trips to interviews, all around the country to be rejected by prospective employers, for a variety of reasons - under qualified, overqualified, live too far, cannot work shifts till midnight, cannot spend 14 hours out of the house every single day, etc, etc. While my children waited at home. "Have you found a job, mommy?' - "No, darling, I haven't". And again, and again.
The worst thing about that time were the thoughts. I would come to a supermarket with 200NIS in my wallet, that was left after paying the bills,  and nothing else. What do I choose? What's more important? Washing powder, pasta, milk, some kind of meat for shabbat? Apples? Tomatoes? A little bit of everything? I'd go to 3-5 places a week, getting a tiny bit of something at each shop. Chasing the sales - chicken, milk. Not putting on the AC , except in the most raging heat.  My kids did not have any fruit for the entire summer. Not one ice lolly. Not one trip. Nothing. Home and each other and the comp.
I'd stand in line, counting on my phone calculator if it would all fit in. And then watch people around me.  I couldn't help looking into their trolleys and judging them - why are you buying chips and bisley and pre-cut potatoes? Is that really what you're buying, man? Chocolate yoghurts? No-no. Nuts and seeds? Cereals???  My kids might never taste those again.  Do you really need all those soft drinks? Buy what you need, people! Buy food, for God's sake! "What did you buy us, mommy?" I kept on buying cheap chocolate, could not give up everything. Just something to sweeten the darkness, both for me and for them.
When I walked home with the shopping bags tearing my palms, because of course I couldn't afford a cab, thoughts would knock on the door and settle. Will it be like this forever? Will I ever find a job that's not slavery with no pay? If he does manage to sell the house by force, and I get some tiny sum, what will I do with it? A caravan in a village? Rent something tiny? What do I do??? When will this be over? A bad dream that seems to have no end...
Something happened to me then and I couldn't eat, even though there was always something to eat. The food would get stuck in my throat. Wonderful, I thought, at least I'll look good! Once, my friend brought me something yummy to taste. And.. I turned around and ran away from her. I only woke up when I was already upstairs - hold on, what just happened here? I couldn't bear the idea of taking - anything at all, from anyone. It was erev tish'a beav, and I thought my sanity would follow my appetite.
One time I brought home some turkey bottoms, that one supermarket had for sale. Fried them with onions and spices.. they were pure fat, swimming in more fat, and my kids, brought up on real meat, refused to eat them.Will they ever forgive me the turkey bottoms and the fun deprived summer?
I would walk to my next interview, and go over my life in Kiev in my mind. How my mom would make 5 dishes out of one chicken, and now I was doing the same. Will my kids ever forgive me for this horrid life I gave them?
But first, I thought, I had to find it in my heart to forgive those who could've helped, those whose job it was to help,  and those who always seemed to care so much, and now accused me of lying. Who did not answer my email with pictures of an empty fridge and the empty shelves. Have they ever tried to bring up 4 kids in Israel on 3 thousand shekels a month? It's the sum they would gladly spend on one restaurant visit. "You'll have to lower your demands, Chana". I don't think it could get any lower. "Oh, he will NOT sell the house, Chana". No, I imagined him telling it to the court. It's recorded, for God's sake!  Do they remember us on their South of France and Ibiza vacations, sitting by the pool? Do they remember us when they dine out? Or only when they pull out the iPhone to demonstrate the pictures of the "lovely children"? Shh, quiet those thoughts and remove the hatred, before it takes root. I have no right to hate, because not only it's prohibited, and I believe that the Torah is not only about pretty customs, but also because hatred would hollow out my heart and make me into a ghost, a burning empty case of a person, with wild eyes and nothing to hold onto. "They're doing what they can with the tools  they've got" -  M. Adahan's mantra is working, or so I hope. Let go of hopes, expectations, visions of life as I knew it or as I imagined it to be. Survival. Right now it's about lasting another day, another week, another minute, right now, lying on my back in the gym with the weights, with the tears tickling my cheeks. Don't look at me, and it will pass. Dear gym and the people who let me pay up later - love you! You were my link to sanity.
What can I say - life got better a few months later, and even better now.  Thank God. I walked around, gathering the feelings, memories, thoughts, into a box, where it would be kept safe, till the day I would be healed enough to write about it. But I think about people who live like that ALWAYS. It's a harrowing thought.
P.S. People offered help and I refused it, with only one exception. It was my problem and I had to find a way out by myself.