In style we trust?

Responding to an article I read a few days ago, and it stayed with me. In a nutshell - a woman has to be a woman. If you want to find yourself in a stable relationship with a man, and not have a man walk out on you (sic!), you must: look gorgeous, constantly improve your style, figure and face - that is your personal growth. A woman's role in a relationship is to admire her man, agree with him, even if he is wrong, be soft and kind and organize his free time, not talk too much about your own problems, and put him at the centre of your life. This is human (male)  nature, and even centuries of feminism cannot change it. How wonderful.
The cold rage I felt after reading it is still quite there.  I have to respond, one way or another.

And just by the way, I already did all that, minus the style, because that requires money, and we never had any,  and my man walked out on me, just like that, one bright day. Putting him in the centre of my life did not work for me.
And secondly, only after he did, I began to realize how wrong it was to try and put my opinions aside. To put myself out of his way. It was dead wrong to always admire him, forgive him everything, and have no pride, no self, no presence. That is exactly why he lost respect for me. That is why (amongst other things) - men leave, and not because women are not perfect enough ( that is not to justify dirty robes and erased slippers, don't get me wrong!)
Our Sages said that a love that is based on a physical thing, will pass without a trace, whereas love not based on physical things will last forever. God help that perfect woman the author imagines,  when botox no longer works for her.

The article comes from an assumption that for a woman being alone is akin to death. That a woman would do anything to keep a relationship, including erasing her own self, going mute and turning herself into a living doll - beautiful and silent. A pet horse to parade in society.   But to call that her personal development?! To say that, the author must believe that a woman is not capable of any other kind of development, or that it has no value. To study, have a career, be a mother, collect shells or paint graffiti - if it's within the law, and has value for me, it's valid. There are things besides relationships, you know. Sometimes equally satisfying.

Now, looking down at that time from the height of  the last two years, I laugh. Seriously, I don't need a man for whom I'd be just a silent doll. It's wonderful to be in a stable and loving relationship, but it's not an ultimate goal. If that goal  is erected onto a pedestal, life will be spent in expectation of the Prince. What a waste.   I love it that I have the time to think. That I bought myself more clothes in the last month than in all the 14 years with him, and I'm about to buy a car. I have my kids, my jobs and my hobbies, and I'm so so happy. For goodness sake, I laugh at people who pity me.

I'm happy that my personal growth - which was always there, just in lower gear,  - is uninhibited by his opinions, his judgement, his heavy presence.  Personal growth directed into developing more patience, more tolerance for deeds I cannot tolerate, more kindness for someone who ended up being infinitely cruel  - I can't say I regret it, because in the end it's useful, but I think I'll get a lot farther if I think about where I want to be after 120, and not about what my best half wants to eat for supper. Energy should be placed where it could bear fruit. Indeed, if your relationship is worthwhile, then sure, invest in it. But please, don't ever forget to invest in yourself. Because in the end of the day, an empty vessel cannot over-spill and share its bounty with the world. Give yourself so that you can give to others. 
And if there is a man in my life ever again, he will not be like the author of this article, that's for sure. A relationship, to be worth it, has to include mutual effort, mutual respect, and mutual interest. I'm a person with my own life, and not somebody else's shadow, an attachment to the real thing - a man. That's so passe.  I want to be a whole and not a half.  I'll only love a man who will love me for my soul, for the things I do and believe in, for what I am, and not for how successfully I manage to hide my age, my stretch marks and my wrinkles.  If a man loves a woman, she'll be beautiful to him, even if she breaks the scales she dares to step on, or her breasts spread on her knees when she's sitting. Just as I hope to see his soul and not his pot belly/bold head/flat feet. It has to be mutual.
Religiously speaking, I believe that women give account on their own lives, just like men do. And when I'm called up to give account, I don't want to say,  ahem... dunno.. ask my man... I served him and not God all my life... No bloody way. I'll have a story to tell.

Human inertia

Human inertia. Why do we humans find it so hard to change things?

My herbs teacher says, "suffering is the easiest thing in the world". What he means is that people would much, much rather suffer for years, than do something about it. Regardless of what "it" might be, sometimes the action needed to bypass the "it" and move on is so absurdly little, and yet people find it impossible to move on in life. And I know I'm equally guilty of this, with my pet sugar addiction and habit of complaining. 

Diabetes is considered the easiest condition to treat with alternative means - and yet the most difficult. We were advised against taking on diabetes patients, even though they don't even need us - they can easily do it themselves, with diet, exercise and supplements. Why? Because improving your state in case of  diabetes requires a significant behaviour change. It would be necessary to change habits, walk off the beaten track into the unknown, and persisit with it.  So no, I have my pills, they say, yeah, I know, and yet I can't...

A person suffers from horrific heartburn, gastritis, soon to be ulcer. Her diet? Sausages, chips, pickles. I don't like vegetables. Are you serious, woman? Would you rather have ulcer?! Would you rather take aluminum for 20 years? Apparently, the answer is yes. 

A man working 14 hours a day in an office, then sometimes more at home,  suffers from severe  psoriasis, colitis, palpitations and insomnia. I won't tell you what he eats, you'll cry. I know he needs money, but will he be taking it to the grave? 

A woman who's been a housewife for 10 years. Wants to get a job, needs to get one, but "I can't get up early. I'm an owl". Again - are you kidding me? Would you rather continue suffering from poverty? Do you even hear yourself? You can't? Oh, but it's such a familiar suffering. Another helping of familiar suffering, please. 

I hear that "I can't" daily. And not only from patients. It's much easier to announce that "my life cannot be changed" and "nobody can help me", than to do it.

Why is that so? What's holding us back? 

One - fear. What if I do whatever it is, take the plunge, and nothing changes? Then the suffering will  be really  unbearable, because then it will be coupled up with a sense of failure and an awareness of hopelessness. I suspect that I'm nothing, but if I fail, I'll know for a fact that I'm nothing.  Our education is success-oriented from birth and on. We don't think of Edison, who failed 100 times  and succeeded on the 101st.  Refraining from taking action gives us hope, which is as essential to us humans as bread and water. Take away bread and water, but give me hope.  A lottery ticket in my purse, called "one day". One day I'll do it. One day things will change (by themselves). No wonder astrology is only ever gaining popularity - please tell me when the things will  change for me? When is an opportune time?  It just illustrates how people  believe that nothing is in their control. That creates apathy, tiredness, inertia. Another tired generation is growing up. I'll get my BA, start dating, lose weight , quit smoking and start working out. I promise you. One day. 

Two - we feel so little against the circumstances, our destiny, we fell pushed up against the wall. We feel like little children,waiting for mommy to take us by the hand and do whatever is necessary.

However,  we are not children anymore. According to Erikson's stages of development, middle aged adult has to choose between generativity and self- absorbtion. Do we choose to contribute or do we choose to live in fear? Do we choose to change or to continue suffering. The first step is to realize the choice is there. The second is to see yourself as a worthwhile investment. 

 We lack self- esteem, confidence, courage. We sell ourselves so cheap. If you were kidnapped, God forbid, would anyone be willing to pay ransom for you? If you fell down on the street with a cardiac arrest, would people rush to help you? I dare say, the answer is yes. Congratulations - we've established it as a fact. You are worthwhile just by virtue of being human. You - your body and soul - deserve the effort you can invest in them. 

The thing is, God/life/carma will keep on trying.  It will keep on giving us hints big and small, to remind us that our time on this Earth is so so limited. That in the end of the day, your only real acquisition in this world is yourself. That what you want written on your tombstone is not "I couldn't" or, "she was a victim of circumstances".  And I hate to break this to you - you are a grownup. You are in control- exactly as much as you choose to be. Obviously, we don't get to pick things that happen to us, but we sure do choose how to react to them. Sometimes it doesn't even matter what you do - do something. Anything. As one of my favourite songs goes - 

Life is bringing us surprises, Life is whacking us away

And depression just cuts down our neat combinations

The situation's so stressful, the psychiatrists collapse...

 And his advice is: 

Do anything - have sex, do sports or swim, 

Breed fish, slap your boss in the face, at least once, 

Do something, just don't sit. Lift your relics off the couch, 

get up and move, seduce your neighbour, your in-laws, but just don't sit. 

Timur Shaov, "Fighting depression"

He has a point, no?