It's right before Yom Kippur. The day we wear all white. The day we begin by declaring out loud "I forgive every person who has hurt and angered me". I forgive? What? Why should I? The bruise they gave me is still right there, reminding me of the past every time I move. It's my right to be angry, is it not?
Some especially righteous people forgive everyone every time they go to sleep, in case they don't wake up. That's the trick here, Yom Kippur is the day our fate, in accordance with our deeds and other calculations, is sealed for the next year. It's the ultimate waking up. Or not.
So, I believe I've thought up a trick. I should forgive everyone because I love myself. How is it connected? I'll tell you.
Bearing a grudge is not called "bearing" for nothing. You really carry it with you. And it's heavy, it weighs you down. And not only that, it burrows under your very skin, it dries you out and incapacitates you. It makes you oblivious to the beauty of this world and takes away your very senses. You wish you could just drop it down, but you can't. Just like that old pair of jeans you hope to fit into one day, you keep that pain in a faint hope of "solving" it one day, one way or another. Of proving that one last point, of making the person see that you were right all along. Of having the last word and the last laugh. The "last" is intended here. it could very well be my right to be angry, but there is an opinion that holding onto old resentments creates the kind of illness that literally eats away at the person's body. Even the hardcore science begins to admit that some autoimmune diseases, inflammations, and even heart disease are triggered by the emotional. It might be literally your last word. Is it worth it? Each person has the right to decide for themselves, of course.
But I love myself too much to die for proving a point. I'd so much rather be alive than dead right.
Furthermore, just as it says, "Love your fellow man as you love yourself" - meaning, if you don't love yourself, you can't love your fellow man, so too, if you don't forgive yourself, you can't forgive your fellow man, be it Yom Kippur or not. Do you know what? I might just decide to love myself enough this year to include myself in the list of those I'm forgiving, and then the whole trick might work! I might be able to let go of old pains that threaten to take my health and weigh me down.
I will forgive myself for not seeing the obvious and not knowing in advance, for being too much when little was called for, and too little when more was needed, for talking in silence and being silent when words were needed. I will forgive myself for forgetting a bottle in the freezer, causing it to explode, and for putting my love into the wrong basket (case) for ten years, for yelling at the kids just because I was too tired and dwelling on Facebook more than at home. I will forgive myself dirty floors, scrambled eggs for three days running, pulling a kid's socks out of the laundry and eating way too much chocolate. And yes, for every extra kilogram of fat I carry with, too. And for never, ever making it to shul on Yom Kippur. All of it.
I will get rid of all this absurd misplaced guilt. Forgive myself so that I can forgive others. And then maybe, just maybe, I will love myself enough to really want to clean up my soul and then truly feel sorry for the things I've done and said that caused pain. Just as a person who really loves their body won't feed it things of dubious origins, one who loves his soul won't settle for anything but keeping it in mint condition. I will find it within myself to say "sorry" and mean it to the people I've hurt and not to my dear friends who are not upset with me anyway, just for the sake of the custom.
And maybe, just maybe, it will finally feel right to wear white this year. Because if I manage this, I know God will forgive me just as I forgave others.
