My classes are over for now. I guess I learned how to be an English teacher and a Clinical Herbalist. . But really, I learned something completely different.
In the last 2 years I've learned to be completely self-sufficient. There is simply nobody else to take over. Not like I was spoiled with it before, and yet...I cannot afford to get sick. because then there will be nobody else to feed my children. I cannot have a vacation. Cannot just take off and go to the sea. For now.
And yet - it's amazing. To find out one's limits. Isn't that what life is all about? Most people live without ever finding them. Isn't it a pity to go to the next world without knowing where "you" begins and ends? I think these limits are not set in stone, they grow with us.
Being self-sufficient is a pre-condition for finding love. I'm looking for a mature love, not happy -ever-after kind, but the kind that appreciates every minute of it. Not the kind that wonders how we look together, and how my friends will be happy for me. I'm not looking for somebody to need me, I already have kids for that, and neither am I looking for somebody to save me, to hang all my troubles onto. My troubles, be they material, spiritual, or physical, are mine. Step one to maturity.
I have to first be capable of happiness on my own - real, true
happiness, or I will end up hanging troubles onto that someone, and make
them run away. I want to be happy. No, not one day, now. I am happy. I see the half-full glass, I'll look and change focus till it becomes visible. Step two to maturity.
I've learned to let go. There are times when there is nothing I can do about it. There is no point chasing the problem around in circles, chasing my adrenaline down with whiskey or coffee. I don't do that. There are times when I am going to be late (hate being late!!!!), there are times when I cannot be where I have to be at all, and there are times when discipline, control, hope, joy, contentment, peace of mind, supper and behaviour all go to smithereens. I let them. I don't have to be in control at all times. I can smile the smile of Chesire Cat, while the rest of me is elsewhere. Let go. Step to maturity number three.
That "Aleph" moment ( see Paulo Coehlo's new book) - of the two souls clicking together, cannot be wished for, faked, begged, or searched for. It is only, and only from God. One person can search for their whole lives, and never find it, and another - could just bump into their soulmate while waiting in the queue in their local supermarket. Love is from God, but keep your eyes open. I will not marry without love, without the souls clicking, without mutual responsibility and respect. It's really better to be alone, than to wish you hadn't. Don't be desperate. Step number four to maturity.
Loneliness erodes the soul. I will fill up my time, not just to fool myself, not only to compensate, but to see other people. Saying, I don't need anyone, is a loathsome, self-pitying, jump-into-the-darkness kind of a thing. I came to this world to find light. I will avoid loneliness, even if I have to sit in the park and talk to people I don't know. I will smile at strangers, meet new friends, and be open. I'm not too hurt to do that. Step five.
What do I really want in life? If I had a million dollars in my pocket, and never had to worry about making a living, what would I do? I would be a herbalist. So, that's what I'm going to do, as if I have that million. I'm going to live my dream. Even if I carry on studying, and become a hundred other things, and teach and translate and explore, I'm still going to be herbalist. Because that's what my soul had asked to be. Follow the dream - even if it's just in your spare time. Step six.
And lastly - what my dear teachers had taught me - is to make tangible goals. Just as the students cannot absorb English in its entirety just all of a sudden, so, too, I cannot just wish for things and they will happen. I want to paint, learn Hebrew to perfection, and go through the dozen study books I've downloaded so far, to name just a few. Wishes do not just materialize. It means I will break these goals into tiny, bite-size, every day goals. Lesson plans for myself, in a way. I have to respect the clock, and write my goals in words. Today I will be able to... It's empowering. Yes, I will be able to. Phrase it like that. Step seven to maturity.
Today I met a friend on the street, and she said to me, you look so free. For me that compliment is more precious than any other under the sun. Because that was my tangible goal number one. To be free of hatred, jealousy, sour and bitter revenge, self-pity and (mostly) anger. To leave no time and no space for them. That's real freedom, because had I hung onto hatred, the object of it would still own me. Hatred attaches us more securely than love, for ever and ever. I imagine a sweet spring shower putting out the flames, and beautiful herbs growing out of the ashes. It's the freedom to grow and create.
