In style we trust?

Responding to an article I read a few days ago, and it stayed with me. In a nutshell - a woman has to be a woman. If you want to find yourself in a stable relationship with a man, and not have a man walk out on you (sic!), you must: look gorgeous, constantly improve your style, figure and face - that is your personal growth. A woman's role in a relationship is to admire her man, agree with him, even if he is wrong, be soft and kind and organize his free time, not talk too much about your own problems, and put him at the centre of your life. This is human (male)  nature, and even centuries of feminism cannot change it. How wonderful.
The cold rage I felt after reading it is still quite there.  I have to respond, one way or another.

And just by the way, I already did all that, minus the style, because that requires money, and we never had any,  and my man walked out on me, just like that, one bright day. Putting him in the centre of my life did not work for me.
And secondly, only after he did, I began to realize how wrong it was to try and put my opinions aside. To put myself out of his way. It was dead wrong to always admire him, forgive him everything, and have no pride, no self, no presence. That is exactly why he lost respect for me. That is why (amongst other things) - men leave, and not because women are not perfect enough ( that is not to justify dirty robes and erased slippers, don't get me wrong!)
Our Sages said that a love that is based on a physical thing, will pass without a trace, whereas love not based on physical things will last forever. God help that perfect woman the author imagines,  when botox no longer works for her.

The article comes from an assumption that for a woman being alone is akin to death. That a woman would do anything to keep a relationship, including erasing her own self, going mute and turning herself into a living doll - beautiful and silent. A pet horse to parade in society.   But to call that her personal development?! To say that, the author must believe that a woman is not capable of any other kind of development, or that it has no value. To study, have a career, be a mother, collect shells or paint graffiti - if it's within the law, and has value for me, it's valid. There are things besides relationships, you know. Sometimes equally satisfying.

Now, looking down at that time from the height of  the last two years, I laugh. Seriously, I don't need a man for whom I'd be just a silent doll. It's wonderful to be in a stable and loving relationship, but it's not an ultimate goal. If that goal  is erected onto a pedestal, life will be spent in expectation of the Prince. What a waste.   I love it that I have the time to think. That I bought myself more clothes in the last month than in all the 14 years with him, and I'm about to buy a car. I have my kids, my jobs and my hobbies, and I'm so so happy. For goodness sake, I laugh at people who pity me.

I'm happy that my personal growth - which was always there, just in lower gear,  - is uninhibited by his opinions, his judgement, his heavy presence.  Personal growth directed into developing more patience, more tolerance for deeds I cannot tolerate, more kindness for someone who ended up being infinitely cruel  - I can't say I regret it, because in the end it's useful, but I think I'll get a lot farther if I think about where I want to be after 120, and not about what my best half wants to eat for supper. Energy should be placed where it could bear fruit. Indeed, if your relationship is worthwhile, then sure, invest in it. But please, don't ever forget to invest in yourself. Because in the end of the day, an empty vessel cannot over-spill and share its bounty with the world. Give yourself so that you can give to others. 
And if there is a man in my life ever again, he will not be like the author of this article, that's for sure. A relationship, to be worth it, has to include mutual effort, mutual respect, and mutual interest. I'm a person with my own life, and not somebody else's shadow, an attachment to the real thing - a man. That's so passe.  I want to be a whole and not a half.  I'll only love a man who will love me for my soul, for the things I do and believe in, for what I am, and not for how successfully I manage to hide my age, my stretch marks and my wrinkles.  If a man loves a woman, she'll be beautiful to him, even if she breaks the scales she dares to step on, or her breasts spread on her knees when she's sitting. Just as I hope to see his soul and not his pot belly/bold head/flat feet. It has to be mutual.
Religiously speaking, I believe that women give account on their own lives, just like men do. And when I'm called up to give account, I don't want to say,  ahem... dunno.. ask my man... I served him and not God all my life... No bloody way. I'll have a story to tell.