How do I know I am? How honest am I when I look into the depth of my soul, and then claim to have an attachment to God? What does that attachment look like? Is it only obvious from my actions? Most of the world does not murder, steal and commit adultery ( forgive me my youthful naivete!) - does it mean they all carry God in their hearts? Or are just afraid of the police? If I don't throw rubbish onto the street, am I more of a believer than someone who does? Wow, this could take us far. And what if the thought of Mashiach on a white donkey makes me smile? I find it easier to imagine Mashiach as a time period ( see the GRA explanation on Had Gadya in the Hagadda), than as a person with a long white beard. And if you add to that some thoughts along the lines of the Sages' words on women being questionable in this generation? I think I've become a feminist. Is that contagious? But I still won't litter, mind you. What does that make me?
I think faith is a process. Just like settling the beautiful Land we live in. It takes time, and sometimes we are forced to retreat.We plant forests, bus sometimes they burn. The trees get eaten by pests. They dry out without rain. And then, if we believe, we plant again.
It starts with a small seed. Most people don't even remember it being planted in their hearts. They take it as a given, that there is Someone who made us and everything around us, Who cares for us and showers upon us things good and bad (babies, cars, houses, gadgets, food, disease, love objects , - cross out what doesn't apply) -and it's all very simple. You are good, you get good. You're bad, there is fire and brimstone. The thing is, you don't become a believer, till you doubt it. Till in your very heart of hearts you say, hold on, where is God in all this? When you see God's followers follow their desire and not His word, you see brimstone coming down on all the wrong people and the fire eating at the garden you have so lovingly planted, and you say, huh? Hallo, God? Where art Thou? And that's when you begin to grow up. You abandon the God you imagined in kindergarten and search for Him all over again. And again. As many times as you need to grow up in this life, sometimes very suddenly. And most of the time - against your will. But I thought I was all grown up already! But no. You don't become a believer till you choose Him all on your own accord, not because mommy and the teacher are watching, but because you need Him. Even though you might never find out exactly what it is that He wants from you.
And even more so - it's a frame of mind. One of never giving up. When I think about the last 2000 years of Jewish history, I see people, who were too stubborn to give up. This is what I carried out of my visit to Yad Va-shem with my kids today. And listening to the survivors' stories, both at the museum and on the radio. Jews just won't give up. We can't afford the luxury. I saw it in the eyes of the Jews whose pictures are magnified for us to see and to remember, I saw it in the eyes of the visitors, and I saw it in my kids' eyes. I don't know if we don't give up because He is there, and makes us carry on, or because we all really are believers, deep down. Regardless of what we all say and do, we all just KNOW. For me that is faith, somehow, that never giving up. It's the faith in our unique mission and in the One watching us fulfill it.
After every king and ruler was gone, the Jews just calmly carried on. Can't be artisans - so we invent the modern banking system. Can't bring the Jews in legally to the Holy Land - so we'll smuggle them in. We are best in cheating out of our own restrictions. Halacha has more exceptions than rules.. We bend and twist, sometimes even die in the process, but don't break. We just carry on.
We are so very stubborn, always doing things our own way, and never giving up. When I look into my soul, and see that I won't give up, either, I know I'll keep on looking for Him and choosing this way of life anew, each day of my life. Consciously and willingly. I'll keep on looking for my garden, till I've planted it. Happy Independence day, everyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment